This is not one of those blog posts where the writer gushes over the latest sitcom, compares his own family with the fictitious one, and then prattles on about how funny it is because it is soooo REAL! As if everyone hasn’t crashed their Dad’s car into the kitchen and then set the hood like it’s the dinner table…at least once.
For starters my wife is not a neurotic control freak. I’m saying that because it’s true, not because I fear her or seek her acceptance. Right Honey? I’m not a dopey overweight sloth who leaves his socks on the floor…most of the time. And I am losing weight. Neither of my two daughters are: A. nerdy overachiever with no interest in boys, or B. sexy underachiever with tons of interest in boys.
Then again they are 9 and 7 so there is plenty of time.
What is true is that my wife and I look nothing like our two daughters. My two daughters look nothing like each other. We are: Tall Brown-haired Dad, Petite Blonde Mommy, Blonde Blue-eyed daughter and Brunette with Big Beautiful Brown-eyed daughter. Straight from Central Casting — if the show in question were about a below-average looking patriarch who married way out of his league.
You never see THAT on tv.
The ABC sitcom MODERN FAMILY is no exception. The Dunphys — who everyone swears is based on them — are the prototypical sitcom family. Hired for their looks — and possibly talents. All genetic mismatches:
Thin, fit, slightly effeminate dad.
Hispanic oldest daughter.
Jewish youngest son.
And the middle child. A vanilla girl who frankly looks like the result of the coupling of the oldest daughter and youngest son. [Which is gross, I know, but they aren’t related in real life and I hear the boy is in fact 23.]
Who is ABC kidding? The gay couple looks more like their adopted daughter.
People constantly assure me that I do resemble one or both of my children. Which, if true, does not bode well for either come adolescence. But I don’t see it.
So ABC — or maybe CBS as they have better ratings and shows — if you are looking to cast a new sitcom that revolves around an unemployed writer. I’ve got the perfect family.
Our family headshot is below.